I woke up on Thanksgiving feeling at odds with myself. How is it that I am feeling gratitude and angst at the same time? Father has proven Himself trustworthy time and time again and I remain perpetually grateful. So, how is it then that I feel so much angst? Is it possible to know that God the Father is 100% trustworthy and to feel uncertainty and apprehension about my future at the same time? I found myself spending the morning under the weight of this inner conflict because I KNOW that I KNOW that He is trustworthy, but I also felt this unfamiliar feeling of unrest. Uncertainty. Maybe even fear, if I’m honest. The more I wrestled with it, the more obvious it became that my untrust was in myself and not in Him. Because while He is 100% trustworthy, we are still responsible for partnering with Him, placing our trust in Him, and following His lead. My angst was within myself. My ability to hear Him, to follow Him, to trust Him to the degree that my life requires right now. What if I let fear influence my future? What if I let caution override wisdom? What if I let my flesh rule over my spirit? What if I make the wrong decision?
The weight of it all was too much for me to bear, which is when I realized that I could still trust Him with myself. Even though we have the responsibility of partnering with Him, hearing Him, and following Him, we can still trust Him to LEAD us. I know I cannot trust myself, but I can trust Him with me and all of my humanity. Trust isn’t just trusting that He is a good God, for a lot of us that comes easy enough through experience. Trust also means trusting that even when we slip and falter and fall short, He still has our best in mind. He still has a plan despite us and our humanness. And so I find myself moving forward in gratitude, and trust despite myself. He is a good, good Father and because of Him, life is beautiful, even when it’s not.
Wander More 