I am undeniably going through the toughest most painful season of my life right now. The details don’t matter, but when I was asked to join the team to South Africa, I was like, “No way I have the capacity for that.” But they needed someone who knew coffee, and my experience running our church’s coffee shop made me a prime suspect. I told them I didn’t feel like I was running at normal capacity and didn’t think I could, or even should go, but I said, “I’ll pray about it.” Funny how those 4 little words can get you into so much trouble. I did some bargaining with God, mostly trying to get out of it, but He very quickly provided the funds for me to go. I won’t lie, I was like, “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
I’ll be honest, even though I felt like God made it clear that I was supposed to go, I questioned myself every step of the way. But, how good is God?? We arrived at the cottage where we would be staying only to find out it was on the edge of the Crocodile River, full of hippos and crocs, and visited by all kinds of wildlife, stopping for a drink. On the other side of the river… was Kruger National Park, Africa’s biggest wildlife park and safari destination. During the hardest season of my life, God gifted me my biggest and longest lasting dream: to see African wildlife in person.
I was still doubting my presence on the trip, but that all changed when we arrived the first morning for worship and devotions with the staff and students at Hope of Africa. I knew that I was right where I wanted to be. I cannot even begin to explain the singing, so I won’t try, but it was my favorite part of each day.
Even with all of these gifts, it was not easy leaving my burdens behind. Every morning I struggled to get in the groove; bombarded by thoughts and fears, weighed down with grief, and replaying painful moments, on repeat, in the theater of my mind. But every day, as I began to engage with the students, it all faded away, and I felt like me again, to some degree. The students were hungry to learn, enthusiastic about the training, and fun to interact with. I enjoyed every moment, whether I was training them on how to make a latte, or teaching them composition in photography. It was fun. But at the end of every day, as we headed back to the cottage, the weight of everything back home flowed over me like a powerful waterfall, making it hard to breathe. “God, what am I doing here? How can you even use me right now?” I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, out of my situation, out of this reality that still doesn’t feel real at all.
At the end of the week, we attended a local church service. During worship, I found myself talking to God. I felt weak, fragile, like a broken vessel. I remember saying to God that I didn’t even feel like a jar of clay. I felt like a shattered jar of clay. I had nothing left in me and no way to hold anything. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone and no way to “fill my cup” or “overflow” with His love. Immediately, He spoke so clearly, “Maybe, but you can still be a conduit.” His love and mercy flooded over me. In my brokenness, he chose to value me, to use me, to trust me by letting His holy love flow through my broken vessel. The thing about a conduit that stuck out to me, is that yeah, His love and energy flowed through me to bless others, but in the process, I also experienced it. And, if I understand conduits, energy travels both ways; my South African friends poured life back into me.
I still feel like a broken jar of clay, but after God gave me the word conduit, He assured me He would repair the cracks in my jar and I would be His vessel again someday. He is El Roi, the God who sees me. And he sees you too.
Much love to all of you who gave towards this trip and to everyone who prayed for and over me. I am forever grateful.
